The greatest gift my husband has given me

 The Lord your God is with you;
       the mighty One will save you.
    He will rejoice over you.
       You will rest in his love;
       he will sing and be joyful about you.

Zeph. 3:17(NCV)

I want to tell you all about my husband.  He’s a wonderful man.  He is a real partner in our marriage, taking on household responsibilities alongside me, running errands I don’t like to run, and sharing in the joys and achievements of our children.  He seasons my life in many ways keeping me from being the dull person that I most likely would be left to my own devices.   He is a much more fun person than I am. He makes me laugh and encourages me to not take myself too seriously.  He is intellectually challenging, forcing me to think outside my own perceptions.  He is more socially gifted then I, often bridging the gap in what for me might be an awkward social moment many, many times.  But these are not the best gifts he has offered me in the time we have been together.

No, the greatest give that he has given and continues to gives me is unconditional love.   I don’t mean that we never fight or that he always agrees with me or that he does everything my way.  Quite the opposite is true much of the time.  We have had our share of difficulties and problems at times causing our relationship to feel much like a roller coaster ride.  

What I mean is that he absolutely loves me despite my all the problems, imperfections, and ugliness found both on the outside and inside of me.  When we first started dating, he used to tell me I was perfect.  That scared me.  I was afraid he wasn’t seeing me for who I really was.  I was worried I would at some point fall off of the pedestal he placed me on and he would lose all respect for me because he wasn’t looking at me from a realistic point of view.  But after being together for almost 20 yrs (3 dating and almost 17 married) I have come to realize that all along he saw everything  about me, the good and bad, and he loves me anyway.  He sees the extra pounds, the stretch marks,  the blemishes.  He sees the grumpiness, the selfishness, and the  tendencies to be reclusive, shutting myself away from others.  He sees all that garbage and so much more that I am not ready to share  here.  He has flung held any  of that stuff back into my face.  He has never made me feel ashamed, humiliated, or  worthless.  He sees the junk.  My garbage pile has often stunk up our relationship and caused us to argue, disagree, or be hurt.  We have spent days in silence and nights with our backs to each other in bed.  And yet, none of it has changed how much he loves me.  His love has not wavered or diminished.  He loves me.  Oh, how he loves me.

Having my husband’s unconditional love is more than enough in itself.  But being able to be loved like that every day, is a constant , tangible reminder that this is how God loves me.   God knows me even more intimately than my husband, and loves me even more deeply.   I do not have to pretend to be what I am not.  I do not have to try to be perfect.  Just as I am able to rest in the knowledge that my husband loves me despite of my many faults, I can rest in the knowledge that God has accepted me as I am, he knows what I am, and he loves me still.  He will never fling my own garbage in my face to remind me of how wretched I am.  He just loves me and oh how he loves me.

Thank you Billy for creating this picture of God’s love in my life.   Thank you God for blessing me with such a man as my husband who teaches me every day what true love is. 

Everything I Know, I Learned from a Book

“…If I do not have love, than I am nothing” I Corinthians 13:2

Those who know me best know I love to read.  It is my absolute favorite thing to do with my free time.    One of the reasons I love books is what I can learn from them.  And I am not talking about self-help or even Christian living books.  I rarely read those, although they offer wonderful wisdom at times.  No, I am talking fiction, people.  Stories.  I recently finished a book entitled Beyond Justice by Joshua Graham (which you can download as an e-book from Barnes and Noble for only $2.99 or if you have a Nook I can lend it to you).  This is one of the best books I have ever read (although my “best -books -I’ve -ever -read” is a lengthy list, this one would be close to the top).  I will review this book on my other blog at some point, so I won’t’ go into detail here, but the book’s themes center on love and forgiveness.  So already I am dwelling on these profound ideas.  Then, I begin a new book entitled The Mailbox by Marybeth Whalen (Which you can also download as an e-book from Barnes and Noble for $9.99), and something the character, Lindsey, writes  in the very beginning of the book just resonates with me. You know, one of those epiphany moments.  Here is the quote from the book:

“ …I don’t care how lame it sounds—I found my purpose.  And that purpose is loving Campbell with all my heart. Always.”

And this is why I love to read.  Because I can learn to look at things from a perspective that is not present in my own mind or heart.  What a concept!  The fact that my purpose here on earth could be simply to love someone.  The idea is enlightening to me because I, probably like most people, often feel that God must have some bigger purpose for me here on earth than being a high school teacher, mother and wife, living in a nondescript American suburban town.  Right?  Not that there is anything wrong with being these things of course, but it seems that anyone can do that.  Lots of people lead a similar life so why would God want me to just do that.  Isn’t there some higher calling for me?  Like what, you ask? 

Well, for you it might look different.  But I would love to write a novel that profoundly affects people and of course makes me famous in the process.  Or maybe to be that inspirational teacher that you see in movies like Stand and Deliver, Dangerous Minds, or Freedom Writers.  What if one of my students became the next Bill Gates, Oprah, or President of the United States? (I always remind them that if this were to happen, they are to acknowledge me publically for my influence  and send me money so I can retire having fulfilled my purpose.)

But then, one night in bed I read the quote above .  Sleep almost overtakes me, causing me to put my Nook down and turn off the light, but I had not quite relented to sleep’s irresistible pull enough to leave that sentence in the book.  Laying in the dark, my mind ponders the idea that my purpose here could be to love.  Just that simple.  Yet, not so easy I think.  Loving my husband, children, family, and friends, now that is easy.  Yes my family is reading this, but I am being honest.  They are wonderful, all my in-laws included, and very easy to love.  If I find them unlovable at times, it is usually because I am the one feeling particularly unloving.  Instead it ism y students, the homeless man begging on the corner (who may or may not truly be homeless), the person who just cut me off in traffic, the sullen cashier at the grocery store, the mother on the news who leaves her baby in the car to suffocate to death while she partakes in sinful pleasures, these are much harder to love.

But love is the eternal legacy right?  Isn’t this the purpose Jesus fulfilled in his life in earth?  “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.”(John 15:13). Great novels often fade into anonymity, great teachers also.  But love never ends.  It always endures.  

How does this play out in my life?  I am not always sure.  I don’t always know the best way to go about loving someone.  But God does and if He put me here for that purpose,  and he puts the people in my life that I am suppose to love, then certainly He will provide me the means for carrying out that purpose.  I will admit that loving people is scary to me.  It means developing relationships, caring, making myself vulnerable, hugging people (I’m not a big hugger), and getting emotionally messy.  And it certainly isn’t as glamorous as being a bestselling author or the focus of a box-office hit.  But if this is God’s purpose for me, I am pretty sure it will be more rewarding, satisfying, and amazing  than any purpose I can dream up for myself.   So I am going to lift my eyes from lusting after these other lofty goals. Who am I anyway, to think that the life God has given me isn’t exactly the one I am suppose to be living?  Mordecai told Esther, “And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Loving others.  That is my “royal position” today and each and every day God gives me. 

Not that I am going to give up on the Great American Novel, I might still get around to writing it.  But I think that it would be more like the icing on the cake and not the cake itself.  When you eat just icing, it tastes wonderful, but you know that there is something substantial missing.